GLOBAL RUSTING
I regret I must advise the world of a new and major threat to human
survival, namely GLOBAL RUSTING. Let me explain: Since the beginning of the=
Iron
Age (circa 1200 BC), humans have been increasingly converting harmless iron=
ore
into dangerous iron and steel.
Both iron and steel have a high propensity to rust – a process
which takes oxygen out of the atmosphere. If this is allowed to continue
unabated, it is only a matter of time before oxygen levels are depleted to
levels where we, and all other animals, will suffocate.
We must act now! I estimate that failure to act will result in=
the
extinction of all animal life by 2050 or at the latest, by 3050, or possibl=
y by
4050. I propose four programs be immediately
instituted to save us from this catastrophe:
1. A surcharge=
should
be placed on all commodities packaged in steel. For instance a 10 cents lev=
y on
each can of baked beans sold, would mean little to the consumer but the mon=
ey
raised could be directed into finding new metallic elements with the same
desirable properties of strength and flexibility as possessed by iron and
steel.
2. People shou=
ld
immediately slow down so that they breathe less often and so consume less
oxygen. This, of course, would mean a horizontal lifestyle without work,
exercise, sex or other excitements which, in turn, would assist in mitigati=
ng
both the explosion of the human population and the advance of industrial
technology – two other important goals of we
environmentalists.
3. Since salt =
air
accelerates rusting, all people living near the coast must move at least 20
kilometres inland.
4. I intend to=
set up
my own oxygen trading company. Shareholders would be invited to send money.=
For
each dollar received, my colleagues and I would promise to plant a grass se=
ed.
As the grass grows, photosynthesis will occur and fresh oxygen will be supp=
lied
to the atmosphere. Each shareholder would receive a certificate bearing a
photograph of his or her sprouting grass seed(s).
I do not expect any kudo=
s from
this announcement. Doubtless there will be sceptics who will claim that hum=
an
activity is not causing oxygen depletion. A pox on them I say.
Dr O. B. Noxious (nom de=
plume)